And so goes my silence...

 

There are so many words with which to begin,

But none seem right considering the hiatus we’re in.

It’ll only reek of romance if I start at the start,

So I may as well get going from where it all fell apart.

Put a bit of the record straight, tell my side of the story,

Cos what I hear of your side… it’s a bit jackonory.

And all I’d said up til now was,

“She taught me loads and I thank her”,

but apparently you say of me,

“I hate him, he’s a wanker.”

 

And while what follows

is probably not worth the wait,

I feel its my turn,

to take our tale and elaborate.

 

Here goes….

 

I remember your last email, had to bite my tongue twice,

ignored the insults within it and tried to be nice.

 

Therein was so much self centred and so much untrue,

including the now obvious lie: “I’ll never bad mouth you.”

 

But so much has come back to me in so many ways,

seems, just as I remember, you still takes no heed of what you say.

 

First up, I heard you said you left me. Were you having a laugh?

cos it wasn’t me crying: “lets keep trying” on the night before last.

 

Did you ever tell people what really happened that day?

And that the ending that happened, wasn’t supposed to happen that way.

 

Ever say, I tried to end on good terms

And part happily?

But you cried and you begged,

and pulled another fast one on me:

 

Took the one thing you knew

would make me change my mind

- Those few words, more than any

are where I hope you never lied-:

 

But to you they were just words

so easy to say

Just you being you,

trying to get your own way.

 

Why couldn’t you let us end, as I asked,

am-ica-bly?

Not lie one way then the other

and pull my temper out of me.

 

Guess I should’ve been more patient

Or replied to your ‘sorry’ text,

But I went back into myself

Cos I thought silence was best.

 

Then a few months later,

I sent you one email more

Because I wanted you to know

Things you hadn’t known before

 

And cos I can’t pretend

I was always squeaky clean

I made big mistakes,

and so much more in between.

 

But only in the first weeks

(Thought that doesn’t make it right)

But I swear I was true

from when you became my wife

 

Now … i….ron…ic…..aly

even though I was happy

that’s where problems started

cos we weren’t at all ready.

 

But I gave you the option, left it all up to you,

said “dya wanna call it a day, or see our marriage through?”

 

And you said “lets do it”

and I was all you ever wanted.

But from that moment on

I was endlessly haunted

Cos there was so much to it,

that little word ‘wife’

and when you became mine,

it took on a new lease of life.

 

I wanted to give you the world,

I swore that I would,

do anything to make you happy,

anything I could,

and though I found it easy

to make you laugh, come and ‘sing’,

the one thing you really wanted

was for me ‘to let you in’.

 

And you told me I’d be safe, and that there was nothing I could say

to make your feelings for me go any other way.

 

Said you could handle whatever

cos of how much you adored

And ignored me when I told you

“My pain ain’t easy to absorb.

And I don’t need you as councillor

or as that kind of friend,

all I need is some time

to find my own way to mend.”

 

But you kept begging me for my secrets,

promised with you I’d be safe.

Forgetting that thoughts to those who don’t share them

are like virginity to the chaste.

 

So you crocodile teared me into opening, my Pandora’s box

and as I feared you weren’t prepared for those life scarring shocks.

And from then on you’d tell me “you’re not normal, you’re not right.”

And that sentiment would ring, in my ears every night.

 

But of those things you held against me,

There was nothing I could do

See sometimes ‘shit happens’

And keeping silent saw me through.

 

They were better dead and buried

But you brought them back to life,

emotionally blackmailing with the line:

“You have to tell me, I’m your wife!”

 

So again and again, I’d give in and succumb

do as you asked, cos I thought you were the one

 

Now though, with hindsight, I see

a wall of events, highly stacked,

where you’d say one thing with one breath

and with the next take it all back.

 

Though if I mentioned that at the time

You’d say I remembered too much.

I was just trying to make it make sense…

I didn’t want to cause a fuss.

 

And I became a slave to a thought

To which I always held on:

Somehow you got me believing,

That You were always right - and I was always wrong.

 

So I made myself believe, your most obvious of lies.

Tried to make excuses, and just let go when you cried.

 

And every time you’d tell me

“You’re so selfless and understanding”

Yet I confused by your words

I felt I was living a crash landing.

 

(Sigh, deep breath),

 

But to sum it all up

You said you’d help but you failed

Wanted to leave it the ‘professionals’

After hardly trying.. you bailed!

 

I should of ignored your request,

done what I knew would work.

But I did as you asked,

Cos I never wanted to see your hurt.

 

Never tried to rush you in anything,

Just tried to keep you on track.

Because you wait for a rose to blossom

You don’t just pull the petals back.

 

But anyway……

 

I was only breaking my silence

Because of what I’d heard

Cos even for all that happened

I never said a bad word

 

Never said you lied

Or denied being with me

Or what you did with other guys

And all your efforts to deceive me

Or all your double standards

And attempts to manipulate

And so much more besides

But all that can wait

 

I won’t go in to details

Cos I long ago put this to bed

And this isn’t what I think of you

When you float into my head

 

And although I know it’d be easy to take memories

Sour them all one by one,

Pretend you never made me happy

And we never had any fun

 

And though from whispers,

that seems, what you choose to do

Its never been my way

And I didn’t expect that from you.

 

So know I think of you well

No matter what I hear

I just wanted to break my silence

And to myself make things clear

 

And now this has been said

And this is all old and done,

I can happily go back

To just holding my tongue.